To the filmmakers, actors, film industry workers, random fake names, and obvious joke names (I’m talking to you, Jack Meoff), who signed the pledge to boycott Israeli film institutions:
First of all, I applaud your courage for bravely taking a stand against Jews. Many who have done so in the past, from the Cossacks to the Nazis to the KKK, are not viewed favorably by history. But you have signed this pledge anyway, undeterred by such thoughts, unconcerned about the actual definitions of words like “genocide,” and confident in the knowledge that you no longer use pagers.
Hollywood has not had a really good blacklist since the days of Joe McCarthy, so your efforts are long overdue. And the great thing about your blacklist is you won’t even need to call on people to “name names,” like they did in the old days. This time around, you can just look at the names and know, happily boycotting anyone named “Avi,” “Noam,” or “Yael.”
And, yes, I know, you say you are boycotting institutions, not people. But do you know who comprises institutions? Or whom these institutions support? Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the answer to both those questions is: people.
I admire that you are remaining focused and directing your sincere outrage at the one Jewish country in the world, while not being distracted by the temptation to also boycott Iranian filmmakers because their country murders women for removing their headscarves, or Chinese filmmakers because their country puts ethnic minorities in concentration camps. You boldly follow a long line of antisemites who have perfected the art of holding Jews to a different set of standards from everyone else.
You were not even tempted to boycott Palestinian filmmakers from Gaza due to the horrible crimes of their government, Hamas, assuming they committed any horrible crimes. I can’t seem to remember any, which is okay, because apparently neither can you.
Tying one’s boycott status to one’s national or ethnic identity definitely makes the process easier, but you did complicate it a bit with that whole part about “those that are implicated.” Very clever to use the passive voice on “are implicated,” but at some point you’re going to have to figure out who, exactly, is going to do the implicating, who is going to put the names on that blacklist of yours.
I mean, let’s face it, you’re not going to personally write up this list, Emma Stone, nor are you, Olivia Coleman. You’re way too busy being huge stars and working with Yorgos Lanthimos, who, therefore, will likely also be too busy. Sure, you could have your assistant do it, but doesn’t that poor young man or woman do enough for you, picking up your kids from school and your Ozempic from CVS? And it’s not as though Jack Meoff (who, yes, did sign the letter, I swear) has time to do it since he’ll be too busy, well, you know.
I would therefore like to put myself forth as a candidate for the job of “implicating” and compiling your blacklist. I am well qualified for the job of Chief Executive Implicator (can I have that title?), having extensive experience making lists, from grocery to packing. I will happily share some of my most successful grocery lists with you, upon request, where you will see how I group all of the produce together for ease of grocery store navigation.
I am a self-starter. In fact, I’ve already put those first three names on the list: Avi, Noam, and Yael (or, if you prefer, the institutions that support them). And I take initiative. I am already working on a plan to compile lists of American Jews in Hollywood who support Israel and thus can be blacklisted under the very same logic put forth in your pledge.
I must disclose one, possibly touchy, fact, which is that I, myself, am Jewish, and, like most Jews, believe in Israel’s right to exist as a nation and defend itself against those who wish to destroy it. But I’m hoping that won’t be a problem for you. Every mass persecution needs its collaborators. (And if you don’t know what I mean by that, you can just watch Hannah Einbinder’s Emmy acceptance speech.)
I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Michael Kaplan
Michael Kaplan is a TV writer-producer, playwright, and children’s book author. For his TV work, he has been nominated for four Emmy Awards, winning one.
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